Saying Goodbye to Mamacita

I said goodbye to Mother today.

No, she didn't die. But she's 91 years old and just had a stroke and she's fading. Actually, she's been saying for about 10 years that she wants to "go home to Jesus" and to be with Daddy again. Last Christmas, right after Lois died, I went to Oklahoma and saw her and it was wonderful. She held my hand with her soft little old lady hands. I poured out my heart.

"Mother, I miss Lois. And I'm grieving. But it's the weirdest thing, I'm actually excited about the opportunities that are now open to me because there were some things Lois did not like to do."

She looked at me with that steely blue-eyed look that I know so well. "So you feel like a [vernacular for s.o.b.], don't you?"

"Yes!" I told her. "I do!"

She said, "Well you're not. It's absolutely okay to feel that way."

What a relief. What a blessing.

So what I told her this afternoon, as my niece Ashley held the phone to Mother's ear, was that I love her, I appreciate all the encouragement she gave me as a creative young kid, and asked her to say hello to Daddy and Lois.

And I said, "I know you're about to go pretty soon. So goodbye."

I'm complete with Mother. And as I recently looked at some old slides I made, I'm newly aware what a babe she was in her 50s.

I am so blessed!

_____________

Mother died on Tuesday, December 2, 2008. Old and full of years.

Spiritual Funk

I awoke in a spiritual funk a few morning ago. No, not a hangover. No, not angry at anybody. No, not depressed. Just beset with spiritual "goop" as soon as I climbed out of bed.

A half hour later, when Jan and I were chatting in the kitchen in the early-morning light, he asked innocently, "Have you been doing your morning spiritual exercises?"

No. Well, duh!

So I thought I'd share what I do in the morning. This all takes about 30 minutes so I just have to budget the time. But it's time well spent.

First, I read the Bible. Proverbs and a prophet. Micah right now. Then one of the epistles. And, finally, one of the gospels. I write the date out in the margin and, occasionally, jot down what was going on in my life at that time. One of them said, "June 12, 2006, worried about real estate." Boy! That was a problem I thought could never be solved. But God did it.

So after I've kind of "plowed the ground" with reading the scriptures. Out loud! I find there's real power in the sound of the Word. Then I do something Lois and I discovered when we were at Belmont Church in Nashville. It's variously known as the "Maury Prayer" or "Freedom Prayer". We did this together for eight years. It takes about 10 minutes so if you're going to do this, give yourself some time.

I guarantee it will clear away the spiritual "goop".

FREEDOM PRAYER

Father God, I (we) come to you in the mighty name of Jesus and by His authority, I (we) bind the enemy's voice from speaking to me (us) as I (we) listen for Your voice. I (We) bind my (our) vain imagination and flesh from speaking during this time. Father, I (we) ask you to seal this place off with Your presence alone and I (we) thank You that You are eager to speak to me (us) now.

Lord, what are the open doors in my life (or my spouse's life if married, or in my friend's life if praying with a friend) this morning (or evening) that are giving a potential foothold for the enemy to use to create a stronghold?

Listen and receive what the Lord speaks. (Submit what you're sensing to your spouse or friend. Then pray (spouse or friend prays) a prayer of repentance using the 4 Rs through each open door:

Jesus, I repent for any place I have walked in ________ in my life. Forgive me for walking in that place and not believing Your truth. I call __________ sin! Now in Jesus' name and authority, I rebuke every spirit of _________ and order you to the feet of Jesus. I rebuke every spirit which was given a foothold in my life due to the stronghold ______. Lord, I receive your forgiveness. I receive the cleansing wash of Your blood. Lord, I ask You to renew my mind and replace every incorrect thought pattern with Your truth. I receive the filling of your Holy Spirit to walk in the opposite spirit.

Lord, what are the demonic strongholds coming against me (or my spouse if married or my friend) today?

Listen. Receive what the Lord speaks. (Submit what you're sensing to your spouse or friend.) Then pray (Spouse or friend prays) and exercise your authority in Jesus to cut off and bind demonic schemes coming against you today:

Lord Jesus, in Your name and authority and by the power of the Holy Spirit I cancel this assignment of _____________ today. I say "No!" to this scheme of the enemy. I rebuke you ________ and renounce any attempt you will make today to influence me away from obedience to Jesus. I declare my intent to walk in the ways of God. Father, fill me today with Your Spirit. I put on your armor. I receive your grace and strength for this day. Thank you, Lord!

Lord, how do you see me (or my spouse if married or my friend) today?

Pray a prayer of commitment to the Lord in agreement with what you received. (Share with your spouse or friend the picture or word you received of how you see them. Agree in prayer about that word. Bless each other.)

Walk with the King today
and be a blessing.

Year-and-a-Day

This is it. Year and a day. Had some prayer time this morning before I got out of bed. Thanked Lois for her presence in my life. Thanked God for the same thing. And I pulled the wedding ring off. It wasn't easy but I did it and I felt something lighten. No angels singing, no thunderclaps. But a realization that there's a new day ahead.

So I took her wedding ring and mine and put them on one of her gold chains. As I pondered which drawer to put them in, I noticed the blue jar on top of the dresser, the one with her ashes in it. So I dropped them both in there and replaced the lid.

It's over.

It's begun.

End of an Era; New Beginning

I am saying goodbye today.

This is an anniversary; exactly one year since Lois died. I've worn her ring around my neck on a chain and I'm still wearing my wedding ring. But I am feeling something changing inside me. It's a slow metamorphosis from something that was to something that is.

What "was" was a spiritual, beautiful, loving, sassy, sexy, classy babe named Lois. What "is" is a life of new opportunity: new roads to explore, new cultures to seek out.

New women to meet.

There, I've said it! Some of my Christian friends may be shocked. "Meeting new women" to some people means sex. And that's not what I mean. What I'm missing (and what I'm seeking) is a woman along the lines of a couple of married women I know at church. They're spiritual and sexy and dynamic and curious. They're like me. They're explorers! Surely they have unmarried counterparts.

But what I see with some consistency in my age group is women who are self-confessed "old ladies". And you can see it in their eyes. The glow has gone out. Their posture is slumped. Life has beaten them down. They dress like something out of the Van Gogh painting, "The Peasant and Woman Planting Potatoes". Why would anyone deliberately look like that?

Where's their sense of adventure? Quest for new horizons? Meeting new people whose languages they do not understand? Learning new skills? That's the appeal of younger women/men. It's not physical. It's spiritual, emotional. An appreciation for the absurd, to crack a joke. Lois did that even on her deathbed. Asking me for more medicine by singing the old Brylcreen jingle: "Morphine, a little dab'll do ya." Whatta babe!

Everywhere I go, I talk to people. It's my favorite form of entertainment. Sometimes they get huffy and walk away. But I just figure the heck with them. They just blew an opportunity to chat with one of the most interesting people they'll ever meet. And quite often -- in Germany or here in the States -- they're interested, inquisitive. Wondering who the heck is this American with the intense blue eyes? I remember the German physicist I met at a train station in Dresden, Germany. (You never know when you'll need to be chummy with a German physicist!) People are dying for social intimacy! Someone to notice them, to validate their existence. And for those of us who know how to do that, we need to do it.

If I were to go any kind of campaign about what to do after a spouse dies, I'd say this: Life does NOT die when the spouse dies. Life goes on. God gives us the breath to enjoy and taste what He has made for us.

I'm reminded of a line from a British revue in the 60s, "Beyond the Fringe":

"...when I get too old and tired and ill and sick and stupid ..."

Well, some of us have. And it's not an age thing. Mudballs hit the wall. There's a choice to either let those mudballs stop us or to step aside and move forward. I've had my share of mudballs. You don't work in TV news for as long as I did without angry, frightened news directors throwing mudballs at you. And several of them hitting you.

So ladies --and guys -- your Christian brother has a gentle word of encouragement for you:

GET ON WITH IT!

Walk with the King today
And be a blessing.

Coming up tomorrow: A Year and a Day. New Beginnings.

Unexpected Ministry Opportunities

Sometimes we get ministry opportunities in ways we're not expecting.

Recently while writing a magazine piece, I sent off a couple hundred old family slides to be scanned. Some of them were of me and Liz. She was Wife #2 (of 4) and we were married for three years. A young woman (I'll call her Susan) sent e-mail and asked what happened to Elizabeth and me. Why did we divorce?

The question really got me thinking. I didn't exactly know why. I wrote back:

“Liz and I loved each other dearly. Look at the looks in our eyes in those pictures! Even after we split up, we loved each other. We even got together and spent the night together once. It was lovely. I love her now. Always have. So why did we split?

“Dern! I don't know. We just couldn't get along. But that's not really a good reason if you love someone, is it? Neither of us was abusive. No drunken rages. No vicious arguments. We just couldn't get along.

“So why did Liz and I split?

“I guess 'cause I was an a**hole.”

And I clicked “Send” and didn't think too much about it. But Susan e-mailed me right back:

“Have you ever helped someone and not known it? You did today. I won't go into details, but through your experiences, you've opened my eyes to what's going on presently in my life and changed the perspective immensely. Thanks for being open with me.”

And it was so nice of Susan to say so!

And a dear friend from my former job let me know that her father just died. He'd had lung cancer.

I wrote her back and all I said was: “You did everything right.”

After Lois died, someone said that to me and it meant more than all the inane “She's in a better place” horsecrap. Or “She's sitting in the arms of Jesus.”

Yeah, yeah, I know. But death isn't about the dead, you know. I mean, they're out of the loop! It's about those of us left. We're the ones who are hurting.

Next time someone around you has a death of someone dear, just hug them and say, “You're going to be fine. You did everything right.”

Even if they didn't. Lie a little! It wouldn't kill you.

Political Short Take

I "happened" upon this verse in Micah today that resonates somehow in the current political arena. See if it fits:

"If a liar and a deceiver said, 'I will prophesy for you plenty of wine and beer,' he would be just the prophet for this people!"

For a quick historical perspective, it was Herbert Hoover in 1928 who said, "A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage."

Hmmm. And we know how that worked out.

Walk with the King today and be a blessing.

Nearly Saw Her Yesterday

I almost saw Lois yesterday.
Well, not really. I mean I know she's dead and all. I mean, for goodness' sake, I saw her die. But I nearly saw her anyway. We had the downstairs apartment here, with its own entrance. When I would come in from work, I'd walk down the wooden walkway to our door. I'd look through the glass, and there she'd be, looking like a million dollars, usually sitting in her chair reading something. Murder mysteries usually. Gosh, she loved them! She could get through one a day. Except of course yesterday she wasn't.
I mean, she's dead and all.
But still...
I always use the upstairs entrance now. But yesterday, I stopped. I looked at the back entrance and started slowly heading that way. I said out loud to myself, "Is this something you really need to be doing?"
It was.
I've gotten pretty good about corralling my imagination before I drift down one of the "black corridors of the mind" and get myself all nutty. You can do that if you're not careful and it's pretty upsetting. Sometimes messes me up all day. I have 5 or 6 pictures of us together that I really like and I've printed each one on 8 1/2 X 11 inch paper and they're in my sock drawer. Sometimes I'll just stand there and stare at one of them for the longest time. I'll really get lost in it. All kinds of emotions. Loss mainly. And regret. I think something inside of me says if I really let myself go, I can meld into the picture, reconnect with her, like an old movie where they do a dissolve and the couple is together again, holding hands and skipping along happily. It's kind of like that.
Except she's dead and all.
But yesterday, it seemed like it was okay to take a little side trip. Not too deep and not too black. I slowly walked along the walkway and was hyper aware of everything around me. The details of the wood, the plants growing next to it, the feel of the cool autumn air, the sounds of my shoes on the wood. I walked closer and felt that familiar feeling you get when you do something you've done many times before.
Except it wasn't really all that many times. We'd moved here in December of 2006. December 16. Beethoven's birthday! And 11 months later, she was gone. But many times, I'd walked along that wooden walkway and approached the door with the big window and had seen her sitting there.
I'd come in and give her a nice kiss and a big hug and call her my "Pretty Girl". Which she was. But not yesterday.
I mean she's dead and all.
It was still light outside and dark inside so there was a lot of reflection on the glass. I stood there for a long moment, staring through the glass, over toward the corner where she would have been sitting. And I just stood there. And thought. And looked. With the reflection like it was, I wasn't sure what I was looking at. It was as though if I stood there and stared long enough, I'd be able to make out details of what was inside.
I nearly saw her.